12 Key Traits to Identify Manipulative People

How do you feel when you find that someone has manipulated you? You feel anger. You feel shame. You feel mental agony.

But as we live in a society, we deal with a lot of people. So it’s hard to foolproof ourselves from being manipulated.

Identifying manipulative people is not easy as they appear harmless most of the time. They are intelligent and deceptive people who know how to play mind games.

However, there are several signs and behaviors you can watch for to help you identify manipulative individuals:

Manipulative People Use Charm and Flattery

Sometimes in life, you meet someone who just oozes charm and showers you with compliments.

You start liking them as they give you more value. But do you recheck if this charm is genuine or if there is a hidden agenda?

They use charm and flattery strategically. They have honed this skill to create a powerful emotional connection and gain trust. Such people understand that by making you feel special, they can influence you.

Let’s take an example: Preeti meets a charismatic co-worker, Tarun. Tarun continuously compliments Preeti for her skills and intelligence. He tells her how lucky the team is to have her. Preeti feels valued by these gestures.

But then, subtly, Tarun begins asking for small favors. Over time, Tarun’s favors grow in size and frequency, like helping with his workload.

Gradually, these favors grow until she’s handling most of Tarun’s workload, allowing him to unfairly claim credit.

They know How to Guilt-trip You

Think of an imaginary situation where you have a close friend, Manya. She knows how to use guilt-tripping as her go-to strategy.

You make some plans to attend a concert with other friends. But as you are about to leave, Manya calls you, sounding hurt. She says, “I can’t believe you are going to that concert without me. I thought we were best friends, and you know how much I love that band. I think I was wrong about us.”

Your heart sinks and a feeling of guilt catches you. You didn’t invite Manya because she mentioned earlier that she had other plans.

What happened here is that Manya used emotional manipulation and made you feel responsible for her unhappiness.

What she wanted was to isolate you from your other friends and manipulate you into changing your plans.

So It’s important for you to recognize when someone is guilt-tripping you. Otherwise you will make decisions against your own interests.

Manipulative People Gaslight You

In gaslighting, a manipulator messes your mind in a way that you start questioning your reality.

It is a kind of emational manipulation where the manipulator denies they have said or done. If you come up with some facts, they twist them to confuse you. They make you feel like you are overeacting.

And when they do so again and again, you start questioning yourself and feel guilty. You lose trust in your own memory and judgement.

Anyone can gaslight you whether it is a friend, partner, or a peer at workplace.

They Love bomb You

When a manipulative person love bomb you, they give you excessive attention. It’s like they value you very much.

At first, you will receive non-stop text messages or calls. They flirt with you and tell you that they have never felt this way before. Soon, they start making big promises.

When all of this happens, you feel intense and excited. Manipulators use love bombing to pull you fast and gain your trust. But once they have that control, they start devaluing you.

For example, they get upset when you don’t respond quickly and guilt-trip you for spending time with others. They make you believe that you owe them for their kindness.

First, they love bomb you and then devalue you, all this affects you emotionally. You feel disoriented and don’t have an idea what manipulators want from you.

They are Passive-aggressive

Some manipulators take the route of passive-aggressive when they don’t want to confront someone directly. This could be anyone who has negative feelings about you but can’t express it.

They appear nice on surface but from inside they use situations to get an upper-hand on you. They can give you silent treatment and try to control or hurt you indirectly.

Let’s take an example: You are working on a team project at your workplace. Your team member Tanya has not been as productive as she should be. She is missing deadlines and not pushing herself like other team members.

When you convey the issue to her, she doesn’t address the issue head-on. Instead she becomes passive aggressive and comments, “You are really dedicated to this project, aren’t you? I wish I had the same enthusiasm!”

Later, she intentionally delay her part of the project as project deadline is approaching. Due to this you and your other team members feel unnecessary stress and work extra hard to complete the project. But Tanya simply ignores her accountability and makes excuses.

Playing the Victim

Some people are expert in playing the victim. they hurt others but pretend that they are the ones being hurt.

They know how to twist situations to make themselves look innocent, even when they are causing you harm. If you confront them and tell them about their behavior, they say things like:

“I can’t believe you think so badly of me!”

“I’ve done so much for you and you are treating me like this?”

“You’re attacking me for no reason!”

Instead of taking responsibility, they make you feel that you hurt them. They make you feel guilty. You will pity on them when they tell you their story. They can use emotional drama to make you feel bad so that you back off.

Playing the victim is a dangerous tactic because it makes you question yourself. You end up apologizing even when you were the one wronged. And that’s what they exactly want, shifting the focus away from their bad behavior and make you feel guilty instead.

Manipulative People Isolate Their Victims

Cunning manipulators know that if you won’t be alone, they won’t be able to control and influence you the way they want.

That’s why they try to cut you off from friends, family, and anyone who can help you in need.

If you hear sentences like:

“I’m telling you that friend doesn’t really care about you.”

“Your family doesn’t understand us.”

You know that someone is manipulating you and want to isolate you.

When manipulators keep repeating such things, you (their victim) start to believe it. You stop connecting and communicating with your people. The result? You feel alone.

Some manipulators use guilt. They say, “You only care about them, not me.” The victim feels bad. They distance themselves from others to keep the manipulator happy.

Others create drama. They pick fights when you makes plans. They demand attention at the worst times. Eventually, you avoid socializing to keep the peace.

Isolation makes the victim weak. They have no outside perspective. They feel trapped. They rely on the manipulator for everything. That’s exactly what the manipulator wants.

They Use Excessive Control

In this manipulative tactic, a manipulator controls you by limiting your choices. They don’t respect your boundaries. Only they decide what you can do, say, or even think.

Each rule they create is only to benefit them. They look for opportunities to dominate or micromanage every aspect of your life.

Let’s take an example: Tina is in a relationship with a manipulator, Dev. Dev monitors Tina’s every move and wants to know her whereabouts.

If Tina goes outside to meet her friends, Dev will ask questions like, “Where are you right now? Who are you with? When will you return?”.

Only Dev decides what Tina can choose, whether it’s her clothing, friends, or interests. He checks Tina’s phone without her consent. Dev knows very well how to make Tina feel guilty if she spends time with her friends or loved ones.

Due to this constant controlling and questioning her, she starts to feel suffocated, anxious, and alone.

Manipulative People are Unpredictable

In this trait, manipulative people keep you guessing. One moment, they act kind. The next, they turn cold. Their mood shifts without warning.

You can think of it as a captivating dance and manipulative people are the choreographers. They keep you on your toes, and you remain unsure of their next move.

They are the masters in changing their words and actions. They say one thing but do another. They break promises. They twist the truth. When questioned, they deny everything. This keeps you on edge. You never know what to expect. You try harder to please them. You blame yourself when things go wrong.

This is how they maintain control. They create confusion. They make you doubt yourself. They keep you hooked, waiting for their approval.

Manipulative People Withhold Information

The art of keeping information to themselves is a powerful manipulative technique. They do this to maintain power. When someone lacks key details, they struggle to make informed decisions.

Such a manipulator can be anywhere—in relationships, workplaces, and families. A boss might leave out details about a project to make an employee look incompetent. A partner might hide financial matters to maintain control. A parent might withhold family history to shape a child’s perception.

Withholding information creates confusion. The person being manipulated feels uncertain and dependent. They start questioning their own judgment. Over time, they rely more on the manipulator for guidance.

This behavior is not always obvious. The manipulator acts as if they are being honest. They give half-truths or leave out key points. They change the subject when asked direct questions. They pretend to forget important details.

They Manipulate You Financially

If a manipulative person takes control of your money, you know how helpless you will feel. You will depend on that person for your needs.

They may stop you from earning. They may say, “You don’t need a job. I am here, and I will take care of everything.” But later, they use this to make you feel helpless. They remind you that you have no income and you owe them.

They control you by deciding how you spend. They question every purchase. They make you explain why you need something. They act like they know better. They make you doubt your choices.

Manipulative people may borrow money and never return it. They promise to pay you back. But when you ask, they make excuses.

They may put everything in their name. Your home, your car, your bank account—it’s all under their control. If you try to leave, they remind you that you own nothing. They make sure you have no way out.

Under a manipulative person’s control, you find it hard to become independent. They won’t let you otherwise they will lose control over you. They don’t want you to think for yourself and want you to rely on them. That’s how they keep power over you.

Manipulative People Give Threats

When such people want to control someone, they intimidate them or use threats as tactics.

They create fear to influence you and get what they want. They do so by raising their voice or using aggressive body language. Their main goal is to make the other person feel small and powerless.

Some manipulators make direct threats. They say things like, “If you leave, you’ll regret it.” Others use subtle intimidation. They give cold stares or slam doors to show their anger. They want the other person to stay on edge.

Sound familiar?

Final Thoughts

In the end, I would like to stress that everyone becomes manipulative in some situations. Sometimes, we are aware and sometimes we do it subconsciously.

To survive in society, subtle manipulation is required. But we must avoid becoming toxic.

Further, for a better social experience, it is essential to understand the different tactics manipulators use to manipulate us.

Go through the above-mentioned tactics again and again. Be more aware. Observe more. And read more. Then you can save yourself and your loved ones from being manipulated.

Moreover, when we learn to recognize manipulative behavior, we protect our well-being. We become better at maintaining healthy relationships.

If you encounter manipulative people, create boundaries and maintain them. Communicate with your family members or trusted friends. If you don’t find help anywhere, consider professional help or counseling to address the situation.